Dances with Wolves...only worse

If you've ever seen Dances with Wolves or Amistad...you know the reaction you have when you leave the movie theatre. You hate yourself. The depth of the pain caused and the fact that my people group committed the atrocities seen and lived...it literally drove me to tears.

But facing what scripture has to say and listening to others on this journey has been far worse. I've sort of found myself in a funk. What are we doing?

My little Sis is overjoyed, relieved she tells me to find this truth and clings to it to the point of what I call complete abandon and commitment. I sit back and say...Wow. I've missed it this whole time. Am I even a Follower of Christ?

I go back over my life and I see all the times I strove for the American Dream, missing the boat completely on what should be my true calling in life. I even discount my time served with Child Welfare...I mean, that was absolutely serving the poor, needy, helpless...but currently, being a stay at home Mom, am I still fulfilling that call on my life? I question it constantly.

Over the last month or so I've beat myself up to point that I can't even enjoy my $35 bottle of Origins face cream, Have a Nice Day...granted it was a gift but this cost more than what about a billion people live on in a month. I've felt bad for having a bed to sleep in, access to clean water, a nice house, a car, food to eat and waste, TV to enjoy, time to relax, piddle, think, play...

Speaking of TV, TV has made me sick. Sick, sick, sick seeing people do house hunting for their vacation home in the Virgin Islands used to be entertaining...now all I can think of is how that money could be used to drill wells for those that need clean water or to feed thousands of children in the world that will die today of starvation.

I can't even thumb through a magazine. We worry about how to "organize" our lives or what sports bra is the best, how to eat "light" or what running shoe offers the best performance. What's the latest fashion? What's the latest music? I just can't get anything else in my mind other than how much we have...too much.

I have gone to God over and over and over now and said what do I do with this? How do I change now? Immediately. What about my kids? My family I have been entrusted with?

The latest sermon I watched with David Platt was extremely disturbing and I wish I had a schooled theologian I could go to and discuss the subject with. He talks about putting yourself in harm's way (literally) for the gospel. I can't understand this. I know there are those that do that...but if I do that, I'm potentially leaving children motherless.

Forsake all it says. Forsake everything. It's unnerving for me.

Yesterday though, God said to me...I'm not condemning you. At least I thought that's what I heard him say. I can't be sure anymore...yes, I question even that. But I feel like I felt him say that my eyes were now open, I could no longer deny the truth of what he asked. The two things central to the message: 1. Spread the gospel 2. Care for the poor. He wanted me to come to him so he could show me. So I guess in a sense, it's time to get my jaw off the floor, stop convicting myself at every turn and start listening....

I guess part of me just wants a laundry list of what to do rather than to stop and fall at His feet over it. It'd be easier to just start on something rather than stop and really see what it is He wants from me.

But that's exactly what He's asking me to do and so today I started something new. Rather than feeling bad over the blessed life I live, I'm going to be the most thankful person I know...today I thanked God for groceries, children that were not bound to hospital beds, air conditioning, traffic lights, friends that listen and everything in between. I came to Him each time and said, thank you, thank you, thank you for each thing I felt bad for having or being able to do and I asked over and over...show me what to do...I'm here and I want so desperately to obey you. Show me, show me, show me.

Part of me wonders...am I already doing some of it? I just feel unsure about everything.

This has been harder than I expected and R swears I'm making it more complicated than it has to be. But I'm the over analytical type.

So that's where I am on my journey. Seeking. Stopping. Listening and doing my best not to turn a blind eye.

For God is in you, giving you the DESIRE and the POWER to do what pleases Him.

Phil 2:13

This is so very hard, Folks. I've spent my whole life seeking Him yet missing what He was asking. So much of what we do in church is consider how He can change life for us, or what He can do for us...I feel so selfish in having sought him for comfort for so long, never turning and seeing that He wanted me to be and provide comfort for others once I was 'full on Him'.