Memory of Motion and Other Musings

I just finished mopping. I know it's a glamorous life I lead here in the Heartland of America. But the repetitive motion took me back to sweeping out the barn. Late nights in High School just sweeping and sweeping and sweeping. Hearing horses clearing their nasal passages as the dust from their feed buckets got in their throats. The swish, swish, swish as they moved about in their shaving-laden stalls. That was peace. It truly was. I didn't have so many boyfriends in High School. I had my horse Abi. He was worth that. Truly. Miss him so.

Also, I learned something about myself last night at the gun range.. Quite possibly I'm a Texan who doesn't care for guns. Target practice, yes. Shooting guns at targets that look like people no. Am I becoming a liberal in my old age? I discovered that yes, I want to be familiar with a gun...yes, I get if there's an intruder you need to shoot to kill and your first shot better be the 'the one'...I knew this clearly from oh, about 5th grade. When you have a father that's a fire fighter and a registered peace officer you know these things...but now that I'm 35 nearing 36, I've decided that to me there's two kinds of 'gun people' and I know I'm generalizing...those that truly love it for the sport and those like the two guys in the stall next to us with the semi-automatic handgun that were really just playing 'gangsta'.

I also discovered...I prefer shooting outdoors with people I know and people I know KNOW how to handle guns. This standing next to Joe Blow who may have a safe weapon and may know how to use it...uh, too much for this safety anxious girl. The key word in the previous sentence is MAY.

Also the footage of people shooting at mannequins with watermelons for heads...that imagery just didn't fit in my world. Why would I want to see that? Why would I need to do that? If you're in a situation where you need to experience that kind of imagery to purchase a particular brand of bullets, I'd be pretty interested to know what line of work you're in.

Maybe I lead a sheltered life. The older I get the less I enjoy any concept of violence. Yep...something new I learned about myself.

As a result of the aforementioned, I wandered over to the archery section. Now there's something I really could get back into. Yeah, they've got all the toys in the world for archery. But I'm just gonna dig out my old long bow and get a bale of hay (if I can find one, we're in a drought for heaven's sake). A few paper targets...and it's right back to High School and memory lane again. Thank the Lord above we did not have smart phones, texting, Facebook or Twitter in High School. See what I would have missed out on?

So memory lane is in the air. What a rich childhood I had. And oh, how it's the little things like a repetitive motion or going out to do something with friends that can bring all that back. I daresay...I'm a sentimental fool. And frankly, I'm proud of it.

Chapter 1, Page 1

"It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about."

— Shauna Niequist

So this quote comes up from a friend. I love it! It's exactly where we are. I think R and I are hitting this stage in our lives early. My Mom always told me in your 40s you'll start to re-evaluate your life and learn to just do what you feel right rather than taking everyone else's take on stuff. And so here we are. More convos on downsizing and re-aligning what we're chasing and where our priorities are.
 
It's peaceful. After eating at our favorite Hole in the Wall Mexican restaurant the other night...R said, I think really if I could just downsize, simplify, live smaller, plant a garden...I could be happy with where I am. Making what I do, doing what I am...what, we want to travel? That's it. We don't need the toys, the big house, all that...just kiddos going to private school and decent cars to drive...who cares about the rest, you know? I agreed, after all a trip just costs that one time, there's no maintenance cost to it, you plan it, you pay for it and then you're done. Not all that upkeep that the toys and the big house demands.
 
I slept better than I had in months just thinking about that and hearing R say he could be settled and content with that.
 
I'm reading a new set of books now. Weird by Craig Groeschel, Little House on the Freeway by Kimmel and Grace Walk by McVey. I feel a new chapter coming in this year...my word was content for this year and contented is what I'm resting in.
 
Recently, God put a lady in my life who when I expressed my spiritual depression over Chan and Platt's books...who encouraged me as she had just read them. She said you know, I think those books are great for really waking you up to how you're living. She agreed they were a little over board with their works versus grace approach and encouraged me to take the message and be aware of my life. But not to take it to excess and paralyze myself in the season I'm in. I am in a season that can look very inwardly focused...but right now, I am fueling the future as I grow my family and raise them up as arrows in my quiver (As my Dad used to put it or still does).
 
But a new chapter has started...the boys are in school all day now. I miss them terribly but I see where grad school and another career are waiting in the wings and I'm not feeling as guilty about the joy I feel over that possibility as I did in the beginning....because in a few years, I'll be ready and equipped to take hold of that dream and they'll be doing what they do each day...and less dependent on me as they do it. Heck, they may already be there...it's hard to tell. C really seems to be just chugging along as we go. He loves it! And E is falling into his routine like a champ. I'm so glad we stretched ourselves and sprung for private school, it's like home and the people really are like family.
 
So this school year as it starts is ushering in so much and I see the big picture sort of starting to gel as we enter this next phase of life. No longer is it changing diapers and nap times, no longer is it learning to talk, walk and the like. I miss those times. I sit here with eyes filled with tears thinking of how it's already passed me by but I welcome with open arms this next time in our life. There's so much still to explore and learn together and teach as we go along...I am contented. Truly.

CJ and Me

Today marks 2 years without CJ. Being my roommate, I sort of feel a hole in my memories now at college. When I think of OBU, I think of CJ. We lived together 3 out of our 4 years there. We were instant best friends. We only fought one time that I can think of and now that I think about it, she was probably right.

Cindy went to OBU to be a pastor. She was Lutheran and they allowed that at her church ;). Of course, those good ole Southern Baptist Boys gave her a run for her money and she ultimately changed majors. I wish she hadn't.

Cindy had the biggest heart. Huge, in fact. She always had time for others. She always had time to give and something to add. I think she learned her encouraging side from her mother who incessantly filled my mail box at OBU with notes, letters, stickers and little tokens of love. Jane was the best at making you feel loved when so far away from home.

Cindy and spent a lot of time talking about boys and life and our dreams after college. We spent many late nights rambling around Shawnee. Most of my memories of hanging out and staying up, studying and living life are wrapped around her.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of her passing. It still shocks me to the core that she's gone. Although I know it's bittersweet to lose her, I can't help but think how happy she must be right now. Those of us left behind aren't any where near being that happy and never will be here on this little planet.

So today I hope to stop and think about how short and sweet life is. She'll always be there in my heart and she'll always be the one who stood by me those four years. I miss you CJ. I do.

The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver

An excerpt:

"Shepherd, my friend. This month, in certain quarters, people are burning the Graphic Survey because it contains a picture story on life in Russia. Photographs of farms. Windmills, whatever they have on farms. Russian cows. This incites people to bonfires."

"What do you think is frightening them?"

"Hearst news. If the paper says everyone this season will be wearing a Lilly Dache' hat that resembles an armadillo, they will purchase the hat. If Hearst tells them to be afraid of Russia, they will buy that too."

"If the hat is too ridiculous, not everyone buys it."

Artie finally ashed his cigarette, then paused to light a new one from the old, which he left burning in the ashtray, presumably for ambiance. He reorganized his S-shaped body into a thoughtful pose against the desk. "Do you want to know my theory?"

"Of course."

"I think it's the bomb."

"People are afraid of the bomb?"

"Yes, I believe that is the heart of the matter. When that bomb went off over Japan, when we saw that an entire city could be turned to fire and gas, it changed the psychology of this country. And when I say 'psychology,' I mean that very literally. It's the radio, you see. The radio makes everyone feel the same thing at the same time. Instead of millions of various thoughts, one big psychological fixation. The radio commands our gut response. Are you following me?"


This particular paragraph from this 507 paged book has stuck with me over the last few days. It really makes me want to turn off my TV.

After reading this book I am taken aback by a lot of what history had to offer during this time period. For the thinking man or woman in America, it had to be a very confusing time. Not that right now is particularly clear either.

But oh how things changed as media emerged. Fascinating, fascinating.

My Nightmare

I had a dream last night that I arrived to my first grad class and had not a clue what was going on. Not only did the material not appear to have anything to do with Guidance and School Counseling but I did not have the required materials. I was in a panic. Total panic. Then I got an assignment back and I had only done one out of the required ten pages of writing. I was floored and in deep despair.

This may not sound like a normal nightmare to some people but to me it was absolute panic when I awoke. I thought to myself, what if I don't have what it takes to pull this off now that I'm 35? What if I can't keep up with the younger people, what if I'm lost in this class and what if I don't make good grades?

But now that I'm fully awake with coffee in hand, I've calmed down. It's going to be okay and if I don't know something I'll find a way around it. Right? Right.

I loved grad school when I attended last and hopefully time I'll stick around long enough to finish. Wink wink! R would not be smiling if he caught me saying that. But heck, I can't help it, I was ready to have children and the timing was just off last time. So sue me. :)

Discombobulated

Okay, these pics are mostly in order of occurrence...well, sort of. It's been a jumbled several weeks, but here's the skinny. We spent a lot and I mean a lot of time with Aunt BB and the cousins.

E's first year to light his own fireworks, if he wasn't lighting them, he was blowing up the ones he'd already lit...this was extreme fun!

An errant paratrooper landed on the lake house on fire, luckily he chose a spot where L could get to him and douse him with water! Whew!

The twins, they hid mostly behind the glass door, but on occasion chose to run out and do a sparkler!

W was in love with this rocket. He actually took it back inside so we couldn't light it, but we found it and his response upon it taking off..."Wow!"

Here is L and I at local fireworks...this was the best pic of the bunch...we are goofing off of course and I have a severe sunburn...the mark of a good time!

Our final project at the lake house...L and I spent two weeks up there, mostly L doing the work but this was my main contribution. We hunted those plates down at various locations one of which I swear belonged to a hoarder in Grove...I kid you not. It was a bit scary.

Lake Thunderbird...the wind was so high it was like being at the beach.

Smo's (yes, Smo's, not Smores) in L's backyard

W at the Jenks Aquarium, we found Nemo

W with shoes in place, Lake Thunderbird

The Twins

Being The Twins

June (and the first part of July) has been a whirlwind of activity. We did go to Branson but the trip was book-ended (did I just make up new terminology) with trips to Grand Lake and then a little local fun at Lake Thunderbird.

L and I had a blast taking the kiddos on these little excursions. We work quite well as a team. When on our own she takes the morning and I take the evening. I sleep late, she goes to bed earlier. I cook dinner, she handles breakfast. Man, what a team!

One thing I hope as I look back on June/July of this year is that our kids have wonderful memories to recall some day of their childhoods. L and I were reliving some of our favorite summer memories that centered around fireworks, the water and traveling with our Mom and Aunt Nancy. They've burned happiness and joy into our childhood memories. We hope we've added some more to our childrens' lives this year.

I feel so blessed and at times am so overwhelmed with the gift of L living close by and our children getting to grow up together. So many of their memories are wrapped around each other. God is so good to us.

Steal Your Dollar

C driving the Duck aka DUCX

Captain E

Duckies

Ready for Silver Dollar City

The Lost Mine, this is very serious for R and he did score the highest

S and the kiddos...ready, aim, fire!

C and Z first coaster...C was hooked afterwards!

We got to go to Branson this year on a last minute trip with some of our good friends....what a blast! Silver Dollar City was the highlight...the two 5 year olds out of the bunch got their first taste of roller coasters. C is now officially hooked!

We played at an indoor water park, visited the fish hatchery and the dam, rode the Ducks, and did Silver Dollar City two days! The big boys went fly fishing for a couple of days and had a blast!

What a treasure we have with this family...they are very special friends and our boys do so well together. It was a wonderful time had by all!