Memory of Motion and Other Musings

I just finished mopping. I know it's a glamorous life I lead here in the Heartland of America. But the repetitive motion took me back to sweeping out the barn. Late nights in High School just sweeping and sweeping and sweeping. Hearing horses clearing their nasal passages as the dust from their feed buckets got in their throats. The swish, swish, swish as they moved about in their shaving-laden stalls. That was peace. It truly was. I didn't have so many boyfriends in High School. I had my horse Abi. He was worth that. Truly. Miss him so.

Also, I learned something about myself last night at the gun range.. Quite possibly I'm a Texan who doesn't care for guns. Target practice, yes. Shooting guns at targets that look like people no. Am I becoming a liberal in my old age? I discovered that yes, I want to be familiar with a gun...yes, I get if there's an intruder you need to shoot to kill and your first shot better be the 'the one'...I knew this clearly from oh, about 5th grade. When you have a father that's a fire fighter and a registered peace officer you know these things...but now that I'm 35 nearing 36, I've decided that to me there's two kinds of 'gun people' and I know I'm generalizing...those that truly love it for the sport and those like the two guys in the stall next to us with the semi-automatic handgun that were really just playing 'gangsta'.

I also discovered...I prefer shooting outdoors with people I know and people I know KNOW how to handle guns. This standing next to Joe Blow who may have a safe weapon and may know how to use it...uh, too much for this safety anxious girl. The key word in the previous sentence is MAY.

Also the footage of people shooting at mannequins with watermelons for heads...that imagery just didn't fit in my world. Why would I want to see that? Why would I need to do that? If you're in a situation where you need to experience that kind of imagery to purchase a particular brand of bullets, I'd be pretty interested to know what line of work you're in.

Maybe I lead a sheltered life. The older I get the less I enjoy any concept of violence. Yep...something new I learned about myself.

As a result of the aforementioned, I wandered over to the archery section. Now there's something I really could get back into. Yeah, they've got all the toys in the world for archery. But I'm just gonna dig out my old long bow and get a bale of hay (if I can find one, we're in a drought for heaven's sake). A few paper targets...and it's right back to High School and memory lane again. Thank the Lord above we did not have smart phones, texting, Facebook or Twitter in High School. See what I would have missed out on?

So memory lane is in the air. What a rich childhood I had. And oh, how it's the little things like a repetitive motion or going out to do something with friends that can bring all that back. I daresay...I'm a sentimental fool. And frankly, I'm proud of it.

Chapter 1, Page 1

"It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about."

— Shauna Niequist

So this quote comes up from a friend. I love it! It's exactly where we are. I think R and I are hitting this stage in our lives early. My Mom always told me in your 40s you'll start to re-evaluate your life and learn to just do what you feel right rather than taking everyone else's take on stuff. And so here we are. More convos on downsizing and re-aligning what we're chasing and where our priorities are.
 
It's peaceful. After eating at our favorite Hole in the Wall Mexican restaurant the other night...R said, I think really if I could just downsize, simplify, live smaller, plant a garden...I could be happy with where I am. Making what I do, doing what I am...what, we want to travel? That's it. We don't need the toys, the big house, all that...just kiddos going to private school and decent cars to drive...who cares about the rest, you know? I agreed, after all a trip just costs that one time, there's no maintenance cost to it, you plan it, you pay for it and then you're done. Not all that upkeep that the toys and the big house demands.
 
I slept better than I had in months just thinking about that and hearing R say he could be settled and content with that.
 
I'm reading a new set of books now. Weird by Craig Groeschel, Little House on the Freeway by Kimmel and Grace Walk by McVey. I feel a new chapter coming in this year...my word was content for this year and contented is what I'm resting in.
 
Recently, God put a lady in my life who when I expressed my spiritual depression over Chan and Platt's books...who encouraged me as she had just read them. She said you know, I think those books are great for really waking you up to how you're living. She agreed they were a little over board with their works versus grace approach and encouraged me to take the message and be aware of my life. But not to take it to excess and paralyze myself in the season I'm in. I am in a season that can look very inwardly focused...but right now, I am fueling the future as I grow my family and raise them up as arrows in my quiver (As my Dad used to put it or still does).
 
But a new chapter has started...the boys are in school all day now. I miss them terribly but I see where grad school and another career are waiting in the wings and I'm not feeling as guilty about the joy I feel over that possibility as I did in the beginning....because in a few years, I'll be ready and equipped to take hold of that dream and they'll be doing what they do each day...and less dependent on me as they do it. Heck, they may already be there...it's hard to tell. C really seems to be just chugging along as we go. He loves it! And E is falling into his routine like a champ. I'm so glad we stretched ourselves and sprung for private school, it's like home and the people really are like family.
 
So this school year as it starts is ushering in so much and I see the big picture sort of starting to gel as we enter this next phase of life. No longer is it changing diapers and nap times, no longer is it learning to talk, walk and the like. I miss those times. I sit here with eyes filled with tears thinking of how it's already passed me by but I welcome with open arms this next time in our life. There's so much still to explore and learn together and teach as we go along...I am contented. Truly.

CJ and Me

Today marks 2 years without CJ. Being my roommate, I sort of feel a hole in my memories now at college. When I think of OBU, I think of CJ. We lived together 3 out of our 4 years there. We were instant best friends. We only fought one time that I can think of and now that I think about it, she was probably right.

Cindy went to OBU to be a pastor. She was Lutheran and they allowed that at her church ;). Of course, those good ole Southern Baptist Boys gave her a run for her money and she ultimately changed majors. I wish she hadn't.

Cindy had the biggest heart. Huge, in fact. She always had time for others. She always had time to give and something to add. I think she learned her encouraging side from her mother who incessantly filled my mail box at OBU with notes, letters, stickers and little tokens of love. Jane was the best at making you feel loved when so far away from home.

Cindy and spent a lot of time talking about boys and life and our dreams after college. We spent many late nights rambling around Shawnee. Most of my memories of hanging out and staying up, studying and living life are wrapped around her.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of her passing. It still shocks me to the core that she's gone. Although I know it's bittersweet to lose her, I can't help but think how happy she must be right now. Those of us left behind aren't any where near being that happy and never will be here on this little planet.

So today I hope to stop and think about how short and sweet life is. She'll always be there in my heart and she'll always be the one who stood by me those four years. I miss you CJ. I do.

The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver

An excerpt:

"Shepherd, my friend. This month, in certain quarters, people are burning the Graphic Survey because it contains a picture story on life in Russia. Photographs of farms. Windmills, whatever they have on farms. Russian cows. This incites people to bonfires."

"What do you think is frightening them?"

"Hearst news. If the paper says everyone this season will be wearing a Lilly Dache' hat that resembles an armadillo, they will purchase the hat. If Hearst tells them to be afraid of Russia, they will buy that too."

"If the hat is too ridiculous, not everyone buys it."

Artie finally ashed his cigarette, then paused to light a new one from the old, which he left burning in the ashtray, presumably for ambiance. He reorganized his S-shaped body into a thoughtful pose against the desk. "Do you want to know my theory?"

"Of course."

"I think it's the bomb."

"People are afraid of the bomb?"

"Yes, I believe that is the heart of the matter. When that bomb went off over Japan, when we saw that an entire city could be turned to fire and gas, it changed the psychology of this country. And when I say 'psychology,' I mean that very literally. It's the radio, you see. The radio makes everyone feel the same thing at the same time. Instead of millions of various thoughts, one big psychological fixation. The radio commands our gut response. Are you following me?"


This particular paragraph from this 507 paged book has stuck with me over the last few days. It really makes me want to turn off my TV.

After reading this book I am taken aback by a lot of what history had to offer during this time period. For the thinking man or woman in America, it had to be a very confusing time. Not that right now is particularly clear either.

But oh how things changed as media emerged. Fascinating, fascinating.

My Nightmare

I had a dream last night that I arrived to my first grad class and had not a clue what was going on. Not only did the material not appear to have anything to do with Guidance and School Counseling but I did not have the required materials. I was in a panic. Total panic. Then I got an assignment back and I had only done one out of the required ten pages of writing. I was floored and in deep despair.

This may not sound like a normal nightmare to some people but to me it was absolute panic when I awoke. I thought to myself, what if I don't have what it takes to pull this off now that I'm 35? What if I can't keep up with the younger people, what if I'm lost in this class and what if I don't make good grades?

But now that I'm fully awake with coffee in hand, I've calmed down. It's going to be okay and if I don't know something I'll find a way around it. Right? Right.

I loved grad school when I attended last and hopefully time I'll stick around long enough to finish. Wink wink! R would not be smiling if he caught me saying that. But heck, I can't help it, I was ready to have children and the timing was just off last time. So sue me. :)

Discombobulated

Okay, these pics are mostly in order of occurrence...well, sort of. It's been a jumbled several weeks, but here's the skinny. We spent a lot and I mean a lot of time with Aunt BB and the cousins.

E's first year to light his own fireworks, if he wasn't lighting them, he was blowing up the ones he'd already lit...this was extreme fun!

An errant paratrooper landed on the lake house on fire, luckily he chose a spot where L could get to him and douse him with water! Whew!

The twins, they hid mostly behind the glass door, but on occasion chose to run out and do a sparkler!

W was in love with this rocket. He actually took it back inside so we couldn't light it, but we found it and his response upon it taking off..."Wow!"

Here is L and I at local fireworks...this was the best pic of the bunch...we are goofing off of course and I have a severe sunburn...the mark of a good time!

Our final project at the lake house...L and I spent two weeks up there, mostly L doing the work but this was my main contribution. We hunted those plates down at various locations one of which I swear belonged to a hoarder in Grove...I kid you not. It was a bit scary.

Lake Thunderbird...the wind was so high it was like being at the beach.

Smo's (yes, Smo's, not Smores) in L's backyard

W at the Jenks Aquarium, we found Nemo

W with shoes in place, Lake Thunderbird

The Twins

Being The Twins

June (and the first part of July) has been a whirlwind of activity. We did go to Branson but the trip was book-ended (did I just make up new terminology) with trips to Grand Lake and then a little local fun at Lake Thunderbird.

L and I had a blast taking the kiddos on these little excursions. We work quite well as a team. When on our own she takes the morning and I take the evening. I sleep late, she goes to bed earlier. I cook dinner, she handles breakfast. Man, what a team!

One thing I hope as I look back on June/July of this year is that our kids have wonderful memories to recall some day of their childhoods. L and I were reliving some of our favorite summer memories that centered around fireworks, the water and traveling with our Mom and Aunt Nancy. They've burned happiness and joy into our childhood memories. We hope we've added some more to our childrens' lives this year.

I feel so blessed and at times am so overwhelmed with the gift of L living close by and our children getting to grow up together. So many of their memories are wrapped around each other. God is so good to us.

Steal Your Dollar

C driving the Duck aka DUCX

Captain E

Duckies

Ready for Silver Dollar City

The Lost Mine, this is very serious for R and he did score the highest

S and the kiddos...ready, aim, fire!

C and Z first coaster...C was hooked afterwards!

We got to go to Branson this year on a last minute trip with some of our good friends....what a blast! Silver Dollar City was the highlight...the two 5 year olds out of the bunch got their first taste of roller coasters. C is now officially hooked!

We played at an indoor water park, visited the fish hatchery and the dam, rode the Ducks, and did Silver Dollar City two days! The big boys went fly fishing for a couple of days and had a blast!

What a treasure we have with this family...they are very special friends and our boys do so well together. It was a wonderful time had by all!

Bucket List

The four of us bravely entering Finland

Well, this particular photo is the only one I caught this weekend. I finally did something that's been on my Bucket List. I went to Buffett!!!

Now granted, I had actually just planned to tail gate with my friends...but lo and behold the Buffett spirit granted me a free ticket to the concert! (Actually, a good friend arranged it but still I didn't  know at the time)

We had a great time although the absolute craziness that ensued in this massive parking lot due to alcohol and the general "Margaritaville" attitude you found made this one visit probably enough to last a life time.

But that's okay...I got to sing with Buffett and truly enjoy the music I grew up on. He sang several of his older songs which I found I still knew every word to. At times I was the only one singing near me...guess I was sitting with some Johnny Come Lately fans. ;)

Back to Blogging....May 2011

C's graduation rehearsal

E's Baptism

Me and Elefante camping

The Tent

I haven't blogged in a long while and I really miss it I've decided. Plus, the days are floating past with no record of what's been done with them.

Some day I hope to publish all these blog entries as a journal to hold in my hands or for my children to hold in theirs. Until such time, I really need to stay on course documenting what's been going on with us.

I've really fallen down on the job. So short entries of just daily comings and goings are a must.

Sometimes I wax poetic on here but having nothing profound to say shouldn't stop me.

Above you'll find pictures from the end of May of this year. C graduated from Pre-Kindergarten and we couldn't have been prouder. He made such good memories this year. His teacher, Mrs. Robin, was absolutely wonderful. I was able to help out every Friday and see him in action. I also got to know Mrs. Robin fairly well and what a treasure she is! C seemed to really enjoy school and became quite good friends with Mrs. Robin's grand nephew, Sam. They were inseparable!

E was baptized Memorial Day weekend. R and I were extremely proud of him. He did such a great job in front of everyone and was very adamant that he wanted to do this. He actually accepted Christ at an earlier age in my opinion but we waited until we felt confident he understood what he was doing. We are so blessed to not only call him our son but now our brother in Christ. Hallelujah!

We celebrated by going camping. Still my least favorite thing in the world to do. Once again, I ended up using the restroom outside in the middle of the night and not sleeping a wink due to the noise of the wind and in my opinion unsuitable lodging. I just can't help it...it's not my thing. Sure I love the cook out, sure I love being outside...but can't we just go home and sleep in our houses with beds and plumbing afterwards???

I baby sat Elefante (C's doll) while they set up the tent...the four of them managed quite well if you ask me.

Now that's love...

I recently watched a movie about Queen Victoria. It covered the first few years of her reign. What struck me most was her love of Albert. He died at 42 of typhoid. They had been married 20 years. She passed away at 81. Every day from his death on she had his clothes laid out each morning. What a beautiful expression of love.

A Paradigm Shift in the Household

Radical and Crazy Love were enough to send me into what seems like at least a year's worth of spiritual depression. Especially with Platt, things got dicey and I've been forever changed on my outlook. Back after reading Radical, I prayed a simple prayer. Lord, change my heart as you see fit. And slowly life has shifted, the colors have changed and I see, yes, there is a greater purpose in salvation. Following Christ does require a shift in our mindset, our lifestyle, our viewpoint.

It's been hard. Very hard. Having grown up an American Christian and having heard the chant of our culture that more will make you  happy since I was born...it's been hard to see that actually less is the answer. Giving it away is the solution and pouring myself out is what is required.

No one talks about this in the churches I've attended. No one talks about really realigning your focus from getting to giving. No one questions what car one drives, the house one lives in, the purse one carries or the amount of money they spend on simply clothing, housing and providing for themselves. No one talks about how Jesus says to forsake all this and focus on His work, His people. I've never heard discussion about what the money one spends on one's desires could be used for other than fulfilling fleshly desires.

It's devastating to think that no one really seems to have pushed this idea into my head until I read Platt. Platt I feel is a bit extreme. He's a bit narrowly focused but all in all, he has a point. The American church for the most part, by and large, has it all wrong.  We focus on buildings and programs and a lot of time working to make our services seem hip and happening so we can pack them in by the droves...

I'm  not saying that churches in America aren't generous or completely focused in the wrong direction, there is a lot of good being done and there are many hands serving but in some ways, they've still missed the point. He has that right.

So as this shift is happening in my heart suddenly, R has an epiphany. And that epiphany cost me many tears and anguish yet my heart was ready even though my mind was not. Over the months though, I have come to rest in his plan and idea.

Rather than go for the 'it' house that so many we know are purchasing and rather than strapping ourselves with the car payments to match, we're heading the other direction.

The other direction contains one element that really sent me over the edge though. I think even David Platt might call it "Radical". We're moving into our rent house. Eight hundred square foot rent house. Yes, one-third the size of what we're living in now.

We're selling our 4 year project, sacrificing it on the altar. Even R said it had become an idol. So many people have looked at me like I'm crazy when I've announced the path we're on. So many have questioned why we would spend all this time doing all the remodeling, all the blood, sweat and tears only to turn around and sell it and move to something of that size. It makes no sense but we feel called to do it.

R wants a fresh start, a clean slate, low-budget living.

It'll be for a year and we do plan to build a modest sized home during that time period. But we have determined to get small and stay small. Our focus is not the square footage anymore. Bigger is not better. Smaller will allow us to be freed up to have funds to use for God and to do things we are more interested in doing rather than paying for a house. It will take the pressure off and allow us to provide our children with better opportunities and take our family in another direction financially.

It's not going to be easy but I've decided to look at it as a vacation from housework. How hard can it be to keep 800 square feet clean? I'm hoping not very. I'm also looking at it as a chance to grow closer as a family. It'll free up funds and who knows where God will take us with that. I dream of  being able to give a sizable amount from the sale of our current home to Him to use somewhere in a huge way in the world. You just never know. I don't know where we're going really but I know He's called us to leave our comfort zone for this season.

I don't imagine we'll ever go back to a large home, never live anything like we currently are. I can see now my priorities are not the same. I don't feel the same about our 'nest' that I did six months ago. I want to be freed.